Ancient Roman Jokes:

  1. A man meets an acquaintance and says: “It’s funny, I was told you were dead”. He says “well, you can see I’m still alive.” But the first man disputes this on the grounds that “the man who told me you were dead is much more reliable than you.”
  2. A student writing to his father from Athens, thoroughly proud of what he had learned, added, “I hope I will find you charged in a capital case, so I can show you my skill as a lawyer.”
  3. A student who wanted to teach his ass [donkey] not to chew on things stopped giving him food. When the ass died from hunger, he said, “What a disaster! Just when I had taught him not to chew, he goes and dies on me.”
  4. Teacher: How was the Roman Empire cut in half? Pupil: With a pair of Caesars!
  5. How many Ostian magistrates does it take to light an oil-lamp? Answer: Fifty, one to light the lamp and 49 to carry out a fact-finding mission to Rome to see how they light oil-lamps there.
  6. Patient: “When I get up in the morning I’m dizzy for half-an-hour, then I’m all right.” Doctor: “Then wait for half-an-hour in future before getting up.”‘
  7. What was Camelot? A place where people parked their camels!
  8. The bodies of war-heroes in archaic Greece were sometimes honored by being carried on a shield.
  9. Pantaenetus is so lazy that when he fell sick of a fever he prayed to every god never to get up again. And now he leaves his bed unwillingly, and in his heart blames the deaf ears of the unjust.
  10. An ancient version of Monty Python’s dead parrot sketch sees a man buy a slave, who dies shortly afterward. When he complains to the seller, he is told: “He didn’t die when I owned him.” to gods.
  11. Teacher: When was Rome built? Pupil: At night. Teacher: Why did you say that? Pupil: Because my Dad always says that Rome wasn’t built in a day!
  12. While a drunkard was imbibing in a tavern, someone approached and told him: “Your wife is dead.” Taking this in, he said to the bartender: “Time, sir, to mix a drink up with your dark stuff.”
  13. Teacher: Did the Ancient Romans hunt bear?
    Pupil: Not in the winter!
  14. How many drummers does it take to light an oil-lamp?
    Answer: One. Two. A one-two-three-four!
  15. Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is?
    Pupil: I expect it’s around Hadrian’s garden miss!

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